Updated: Feb 6
Settle down, settle down. (Bangs gavel) Order. I hereby call the 1,349th meeting of the Benevolent Order of Outrageous Otherlanders, or Boooo, to order. Per tradition I will read off our mission statement:
Our goal is to be the monsters they need to protect them from the real monster in their lives.
I would like to welcome our newest members to the union, I’ve heard good things about all of you from your sponsors and your probationary period is ending. As such, I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of our sacred duty.
Everyone in this room, in this union, has accepted the role of lurker under the bed, scaring children to hide beneath their blankets, perpetuating the myth of complete and total blanket protection against us, allowing our members to fulfill our solemn oath of protection. Our charges must never see us work, they must never be exposed to the true horror of what lurks in the darkness.
As part of your initiation please recite with me the oath of duty:
We solemnly swear to accept the bad reputation of monster to preserve the innocence of the innocents.
You are now formally members of Booo, welcome. Your burden is heavy, and your sacrifice merciful.
I will now read the reports from this past month, as always, please hold any questions or comments until the end of the meeting.
First on the docket a boogey dweller in Dubuque, Iowa, their assigned child terrified of a shadow in the corner was relieved to discover the child’s super hero costume as the culprit. Remember, folks, always use caution when investigating, better safe than exposed.
Next up, a lurker in the closed located in Plano, Texas, protected a traumatized toddler from a terrorizing tabby not of the family. Use this a learning opportunity. Cats can’t be trusted. They’re often agents of chaos, evil, and the Fae. If the cat isn’t a member of the family, do not let them near the children.
Third, an under the house creepy crawly in Wellington, New Zealand, put in extra effort for their assigned child to hide, eyes shut tight, so they were not in line of sight of the person robbing the house. The burglar has been dealt with and will not hurt anyone again.
Fourth, this is a little more serious, as such we will not make the location public and will redact the information of all involved the reasoning for which will become obvious. One of our senior members has accepted a special assignment and will no longer Lurk Under the Bed. Their charge had to be protected from a real monster, one connected by blood. We believe the monster was apprehended before lasting damage was done; still this dedicated agent has agreed to go under cover full time and commit to life-long service to their child and has thus been granted teddy bear status. Only the strongest and most stalwart lurkers are ever given the honor of becoming teddy bears as this is an assignment from which you never return. Once a bear you become, a bear you will remain. Please join me in celebrating this courageous servant of Booo. “May your seems run strong, your eyes remain clear, and your heart remain as comforting as your new fur body.” I ask for a moment of silence for their sacrifice and courage.
Finally, some good news. There are several pockets of human activity where our services aren’t needed. Entire human communities have rallied to gather and take active roles in protecting the children. These humans are taking the most vulnerable and ensuring their charges do not need a lurker under the bed to protect them. These children have seen true horror and were unable to avoid the real monsters around them. Knowing that no lurker among our ranks could convince these children to hide, the humans are actively comforting these children, protecting these children, and chasing off the all too real monsters in their world. I hereby motion the Benevolent Order of Outrageous Otherlanders formally adopt and transfer all the rights and privileges inherent unto these amazing humans. Do I have a second? Good, we are seconded. We will now vote. All in favor say, “Aye.” All opposed say, “Nay.” The motion is carried, these humans are hereby and immediately granted honorary non-voting status of Lurkers Under the Bed.
Our next meeting will be in four weeks. Perky, you’re hosting our next meeting. Please, clean out the dust bunnies, I was pulling them out of my fur for a week last time. If there is no further business, I call this meeting adjourned.
(Bangs the gavel)
Jon-Paul McGowan has been writing for the stage for the last 20+ years, if you don’t count the scenes and sketches he wrote for his Star Wars figures. First produced in 2003, Jon-Paul has had two large cast full length plays produced (The GodMudda and Road to Sherwood), several short plays produced, and has a steampunk adventure finished and ready to hit the stage. Jon-Paul is now branching out to prose and television writing. He would like to thank Bree and the Satyr team for this opportunity and all his friends and family for their support.
Follow him on Twitter @coolfrood1. For those interested in reading or producing any of his scripts, please contact him through Twitter!
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Bryanna Gary is the founder of The Angry Noodle and a current editorial assistant at Del Rey Books–science fiction, fantasy, and horror imprint of Penguin Random House.